The You That Counts

Awhile back, my three-year-old daughter pulled up her shirt, rubbed her tummy, and nonchalantly sighed, "I'm gettin' a fat tummy." I was stunned. I do not talk like that. Fat shaming, even of oneself, is not tolerated in my household. A wave of flashbacks from my childhood flooded in. At the age of 8, a severely broken arm led to a surgery, which required steroids. Over a summer, I went from being active and stick-thin to awkward and pudgy. Seven years later, I became a teen mother, which wrecked my still-growing body. At the age of 20, I became pregnant with my second child and my weight did nothing but go up. A lot. I've spent most of the last 17 years being absolutely ashamed of my appearance. It's an unspoken battle. I do not draw attention to myself, do not bring up my burden to others. I never say I'm fat. I teach my children that they are beautiful no matter what. So where in the hell did my child get this notion that she is fat?

And then it dawned on me. She watches me get dressed. She sees me check my appearance in the mirror. Therefore, she can plainly see on my face the disgust I feel for myself, the failure I only acknowledge in my mind when it stares back from my reflection. I've seen this look on my face before, glancing up after seeing my stretched out, stretch-marked, puffy body. I can tell you that look says it all. I feel like a failure. I feel hideous. My husband hasn't seen me naked since... never. But then I had to have that hard moment with myself, where wisdom stepped in and made me face my worst enemy: me. How could I preach loving yourself to my children when I bashed every inch of my body in my mind? Wasn't I a hypocrite? Why did I feel this way anyway, especially when I saw the value of accepting beauty in every form?

I grew up with a judgmental stick figure mother. Your weight determined your value to her. I've heard, "She's nice but she's a fat f*cking pig." more times than I could count. I knew she was wrong and I often protested. I'd wage war and demand to know how somebody was a bad person based on their size. I often wonder if I subconsciously gained weight out of spite. A moment impressed upon my mind was my mother regretfully telling a mutual coworker that I "used to be so skinny"- right in front of me. My turning point with her, however, came after my daughter was born. I made it crystal clear that weight was not to be brought up near me again when, while holding my newborn 9lb 9oz baby, she exclaimed, "Oh, you're such a little fatass!" 

While I'm not blaming my mother for my body at all, she was definitely the inspiration for the voice in my head telling me I've failed, that I'm disgusting. The funny thing is, I'm not actually that large. I won't divulge my weight or how much weight I've lost, if any, because that isn't my point here. Sure, the number on the scale and my BMI indicate I'm a giant. If we're going by my actual body and clothing size, I'm average. I've got a very small waist, a giant bust, and teeny little hips. My thighs are pure Hulk-like muscle. The smallest size I can comfortably fit in is a baggier medium. Even while hating myself, I know I'm beautiful. Sure, I could stand to lose a few pounds but I'd be skin and bones if I were a "healthy" weight.

And I'm not new to this "get skinny" kick. As I said, I've struggled with my body for 17 years. I've lost 20 pounds so many times, only to gain it all back. I even lost 34 pounds once. The problem behind keeping it off was my motivation. At first, I wanted to look cute and wear tight clothes. Then I wanted to prove my worth. Then I wanted to prove that I wouldn't fail this time. Then I just wanted to look good naked. Then I just wanted to look good in my wedding dress.

Now, I want to end the battle with myself. I want to be healthy. I want to run around with my kids. I want my daughter to grow up knowing she's beautiful if she's healthy. I want my son to grow up and find women attractive because they're smart, not skinny. I want to show myself that I am strong enough to do this. And I'm not talking about losing weight. I'm talking about loving myself no matter what I look like. 

I stopped smoking nine months ago. I've transitioned to a healthier diet. I'm slowly but surely adding in exercise (curse it to bowels of hell!) I'm trying to defeat my crazy-making insomnia. Most importantly, I'm checking in with that wise little voice in my head, the one that tells me I'm doing well and to love every flaw I have because they make me who I am. I ask myself if I'm happy. I try to make peace with things I can't change. I make an effort to compliment myself, to tell myself I am pretty because I'm being true to my heart.

Stop fat-shaming, people. Stop hating yourselves because you're not perfect. What is perfect, anyway? What society tells you? It isn't. You're perfect when you embrace yourselves and others for being honest and kind to one another. If a little girl could see that size wasn't dependent on character, why can't we apply that logic to ourselves? We're beautiful because we're here, living this crazy life together, accepting ourselves and each other for being unique, individualistic, kind, and happy. If you want to lose weight, go for it! You can do it! But don't do it for anybody but yourself. Don't think about the you 20, 50 pounds skinnier. Just be happy being who you are now, in this moment, because that's the you that counts.

Electronic Cigarette Switch Part 2

A lot has changed since I wrote Part 1 on our electronic cigarette transition. We were using Cig2O kits and, at that time, loved them. They worked like a charm... for about two months. Our batteries started malfunctioning and would randomly stop working, even newer ones. On average, we ended up having to replace at least one battery a month, which isn't exactly cheap. The shop we purchased them in even eventually cut their starter kit prices by more than 50% because it was such a common problem. The worst part, however, was the falling quality of the cartomizers/filters. Starting out, one filter would last the length of one pack of normal cigarettes. We could each use one a day with no problem and with a pack of 3 costing around 6.75, it was still much cheaper than smoking. Then our filters started lasting half as long. Soon after that, we would get a few packs in a haul that didn't work at all. We were literally throwing a good chunk of money away on something that we got zero use from. We started out spending about $75 a month on filters. In the end, we were spending around $230 a month. That's only $60 less than we were spending on traditional cigarettes. I'd like to say it was isolated to the Cig2O brand, but I've heard from several people vaping various brands that this is an all too common issue with traditional e-cigarettes.

We've long been researching electronic cigarettes that you put oil into, even before we had trouble with the Cig2O brand. They finally became available in the same shop we typically go to and the sales clerk couldn't stop raving. She even pulled out her own to demonstrate for us. We bought two Green Leaf starter kits for $20 (this includes one battery, clearomizer, protective silicone tip, a hard case, and a USB charger) and a few 10mL bottles of oil to test out. We are now HOOKED.

Now, how does this work? Well, pretty much the exact way a regular e-cigarette works. I explained how those work in Part 1. It charges and functions the same. However, the parts are a little different. Instead of a cartomizer, you have a clearomizer/tank. A clearomizer is a clear tube with a mouth piece/drip tip you unscrew to squeeze in oil. The oil is the most interesting part in my opinion. In a cartomizer, the inside is essentially a piece of cotton soaked in juice, which turns into the vapor or "smoke" when heated. With this version, you're just using the juice. This means you get a LOT more value for your money and it lasts so, so much longer. A 10mL bottle for a former pack-a-day smoker like myself will easily last you about 4 days. The Green Leaf oil came to $3.99 per 10mL bottle. That's a dollar a day to "smoke", folks! I've shopped around and the prices are comparable, but you can find good deals by buying bulk. Another fantastic thing about these is the flavor selection. There really is no limit- red wine, Red Bull, tea, rum and cola, fennel, toffee! And you can mix them to create custom flavors. Personally, I can't handle the flavors and strictly stick to menthol but my husband is nursing a watermelon-tobacco mix currently. The sales woman told us her wife loves chocolate mint with cappuccino. Really, guys, sky is the limit here (and I'm seriously considering vaping my dessert from now on. No calories.) You can get these juices in a variety of nicotine strengths, as well. Another awesome feature is the power switch. You press a small button when you inhale to activate the heating element. You can also use this button to lock your cigarette so you don't accidentally press it in your pocket or purse.

My final opinion? This is it for me. While I'm sure you're all thinking, "That's what you said before!" there is a lot less room for faulty, low quality products with these. You can prove an oil has no flavor. You can't prove a cartomizer just had nothing in it or had dried out. So far, I've barely had to charge my battery. And it charges so quickly. The flavor is great and you get a ton of vapor. There is no nasty nearly-empty-cartomizer taste because you simply fill it up when the oil is low. I've been a "vaper" for 8 months now and it was by far and away the best decision I've ever made. I'm so thankful I found this product. It has literally changed my life. And the extra $150 (on TOP of the already saved $60) I'll be saving every month by switching from traditional e-cigarettes to this version, well, that's just icing on the cake.

The Vanity

If you've ever snooped around my bathroom, you know quite well that I have a make-up hoarding problem. It is so bad, in fact, that there is now a self-imposed ban on the purchase of any beauty product. I rarely even wear it but I've still managed to accumulate every form of eyeliner, a bajillion different blushes, and any color of eyeshadow imaginable. I'm fairly certain my addiction to e.l.f. keeps them in business. You can imagine the horror that was my make-up tote and I desperately needed a place to put it all. I also needed a place to apply it. I've spent well over a year hunched on the floor, staring into a tiny lighted mirror. Because that just screams "gorgeous", right?

Many of my years have gone into drooling over those Old Hollywood, glamour-oozing vanities with the big mirrors and lights galore. You know the ones that are so beautiful that you're somehow more beautiful just sitting next to it? Yeah, I needed one of those. So I decided to build one. At first I decided I wanted the typical square mirror surrounded by lights. But I realized I don't know how to wire things and didn't want to die in the process of learning, so I played it by ear as I looked for pieces. I found a gross pressed wood tragedy of a desk and a set of vintage wooden folding chairs at yard sales, my mother had a gorgeous but hideously painted mirror collecting dust, and I bought a scrap of wood at the lumber yard for the back.

I nailed the backboard to the desk and painted for three freaking days. The mirror is definitely the focal-point on this baby so I chose a romantic, old glamour palette. I then hung some pegs to showcase some jewelry, painted and filled an old planter with marbles to stash my brushes, and beautified some basic votive holders and a tea tray for lighting (no wires! Now let's hope I don't burn my hair off...)

I spent a grand total of $43 and a week of my time on this. You really can't beat that. I think it turned out gorgeous and I absolutely cannot wait to use it. It is more than what I wanted and I am truly proud of it!

Electronic Cigarette Switch

My husband and I grew up with smoker parents so it seemed almost natural to light up as adults. I had easy access to cigarettes and swiped a few from my mother as a young teen, but found them much too gross to try them again. After I turned 18, I wanted to flaunt my legal status and bought a pack of menthol cigarettes and some lottery tickets. I quickly fell in love with the taste and became a full-fledged smoker. At the age of 20, I became pregnant with my daughter. Cigarettes made me incredibly sick so I thankfully kicked the habit from the very start of pregnancy. I couldn't even handle being around smokers. Post-breastfeeding, I sadly made the doltish decision to pick up where I left off.

We discussed ending the habit for months and months. We tried and failed at stopping cold turkey many times. I would limit myself to half a pack a day and binge when the withdrawals got too tough. My wake-up call came when I began hacking up chunks of brown gunk and wheezing with every breath. We mutually decided it was time to make a drastic change. Cigarettes were a constant stress on us, with the cost and worrying about the health of our children and ourselves. Electronic cigarettes were finally becoming widely available at affordable prices in smoke shops near us and we had nothing to lose at that point.

So what is an electronic cigarette? You start with a battery base, which signals the atomizer in the "filter" to heat up the liquid in the cartridge when you inhale. This produces a smoky vapor that looks and practically feels and tastes like regular smoke. You are actually inhaling water, propylene glycol, nicotine and flavoring. They look just like traditional cigarettes, only slightly heavier. They also have realistic lights on the "lit" end that glows and dims just like a regular cherry. This light will blink when the cartridge is dying or the battery needs re-charged.

With a disposable e-cig, you buy one piece and toss it after it dies. These tend to be a little longer and heavier than reusable varieties. Most tout being good for 500 drags and range greatly in price, from $3 to $15. With reusable kits, there really is no limit on what you get. Some kits come with the basics; others come with everything you'll need for several months. It all really depends on what you want to spend, and there are kits in every budget. You have a battery, which screws onto the cartomizer. To charge your battery, you simply screw it into the USB charger and plug it into your computer or a USB compatible wall charger (I use my cell phone charger, minus the cord.) You can even charge in your car. With our current kit, we buy cartridge packs. However, there are cartridges you can refill with a syringe. This seems to be the most cost-effective option but we haven't tried it yet (although that is our next step.) This opens up a variety of choices and custom flavors. Speaking of flavors, there are a TON! Along with your traditional tobacco and menthol flavors, you can pick cake, coffee, peanut butter and banana, brownies, spearmint, bacon (!), beer (!!!)... really, the sky is the limit!

My kit, plus my wall charger and an extra battery.

The lights differ on this brand. The ashy end has a central air intake, while the other is from the sides.

 We decided to try a few disposable electronic cigarettes before making the leap into kits. I found all menthol versions were way too sweet and I felt sweaty and sick after a few puffs. My husband's e-cigs would last a few hours, making it more expensive than smoking real cigarettes. We opted for $20 Cig2o kits, which came with a battery, two cartomizers, and a USB charger. The extra cartridges come in packs of 3 or 5. One cartridge claims to equal one to one and a half packs of traditional cigarettes. I find this to be mostly true, with one lasting exactly 24 hours for me (I smoked a pack a day.) I find both the tobacco and menthol flavors for this kit to be incredibly realistic and tasty. Towards the end of a cartridge's life you will get a weird taste and less vapor, but I don't find this to be too unpleasant. You get a great amount of vapor- you can even feel the moisture on your lips from time to time. With this particular kit, you can buy cartomizers from different brands. They have compatibility numbers to match, although we haven't yet tried any. I do suggest getting at least one extra battery to have on hand. A charge usually lasts at least 8 hours, but it never hurts to be prepared. I do recommend the kits over disposables because you get a more realistic taste, a higher quality vapor, the cartridges last longer, and you really aren't saving any significant amount of money.

What is my final opinion on e-cigs? I FREAKING LOVE IT. We will never, ever, EVER go back to traditional cigarettes. I did smoke a few real ones after switching and found it to be utterly disgusting. There are NO withdrawals; you can barely tell you aren't smoking the real deal. I have endless energy and can tell a huge difference in my endurance level during my workouts. I breathe, smell, and sleep better. My house is cleaner. There is no ash or smoky smell. I truly cannot stress the change my body has made. Weight comes off easier. My skin and hair look fantastic. My nails aren't brittle. I can even wear my contacts again because the smoke doesn't dry them out. I do try to keep up with my smoking routines and step outside to "smoke" at bars and restaurants, but you really don't have to in most establishments. The biggest improvement, however, has been on our bank account. We were spending $300+ a month on cigarettes. It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about how much money we threw away on something so horrible and useless. That's almost $4,000 a year! We now spend $75 a month and that is even dwindling down. The great thing about these is, the longer you smoke them, the less you seem to crave smoking. Think about it- you light a cigarette and usually smoke the whole thing, thus upping your tolerance. With this, you take a puff here and there and miss it less and less. You can also control your nicotine intake. The cartomizers come in 24mg, 18mg, 8mg, and 0mg. Right now we are on 18mg and working our way down to zero. While the jury is still out on how healthy these really are, they are a helluva lot healthier than cigarettes. If you're in the same shoes we were, I cannot recommend these enough.

New Projects

One of my best friends in the entire world is a total ray of sunshine. Nothing gets that lady down- nothing! Being quite stressed myself, I decided to rip a page from her book and try my hand at crafting. You see, this girl has talent and is always, always producing something awesome. Boppy covers! New clothes made from old clothes! And don't even get me started on her crocheting skills. She credits a lot of her 'can't bring me down' attitude to crafting.

Now I'm no stranger to crafting myself. I grew up with a tattoo artist for a father, a seamstress/painter for a mother, a brilliant musician grandfather, a master woodworker grandfather, a grandmother who always had a project going, and a great-grandmother who constantly knitted. I've made at least one of my children Halloween costumes for the last three years and I recently made a totally recycled dollhouse as a Christmas present for my daughter. Before I became pregnant with my son, my dream was to go to School of the Art Institute in Chicago and study fashion design. Beyond that, I never really tried to make anything. Lord knows I can't follow a pattern to save my life and I despise sewing machines, so that gives you an indication of where I stand. Nevertheless, I made a homemade dress form, loaded up on $22 worth of material and decided to give it my best shot. While these pieces aren't fantastic and I see myself wearing them maybe a handful of times, I did fall in love with making my own clothes and it truly made me happy and drastically less stressed. My friend is definitely on to something. It was like a form of meditation for me and I'm getting ready to start on a few more dresses. I'm even giving my sewing machine another chance.

I'm not in love with this shirt but I don't hate it. It was my first attempt and I really had no idea where to start. I'm also pretty sure I have it on backwards in this picture, as the front lays flatter to my bust. It came to a total of about $3 and a day of my time.

I am pretty proud of this dress. It has a red base and a lace overlay. I'm considering adding lace cap sleeves. I do really like this but it is actually quite heavy and very itchy so I'm not sure I would wear it a whole lot. I do love the shape of it, as that is my constant issue when shopping for dresses. I also discovered I love working with lace, as it hides my crappy stitches. This totaled around $15 and took 2 days complete.

I also made some jewelry, which I really love doing. It's so simple and easy and I am beyond picky when it comes to selecting pieces to buy. The necklaces are quite long and fall below my bust (excluding the rose one). The crystal necklace and matching bracelet were crafted with chandelier crystals I saved from our old house. The new owner intended to trash everything and I couldn't stand the thought of our beautiful chandeliers going to the dump. A previous owner had them imported from her native England in 1950 and I loved the idea of having that history hanging around my wrist.

My next pieces will most likely be a black cotton trapeze dress, a nude base/black fringe lace sheath dress (think flapper meets 50's bombshell), and a color blocked bandage dress. We'll see how that goes, ha.

The Recycled Dollhouse

Barbie is a big deal in my family. We had massive boxes filled to the brim with every Barbie accessory you could dream of. She dated a doll from New Kids on the Block, her mom was a beat up Gem doll, she sat on Waffle Block furniture, and she had a ton of pets- ones that didn't have huge eyes and bobble heads. But the things I cherished most were the homemade Barbie clothes my grandmother and I would craft. I still have the mauve dress with green trim we sewed especially for my Pocahontas doll. My inspiration behind my newest project, though, was my papa. He was a master crafter who had two daughters and oodles of granddaughters to build things for. He built my aunt a massive, gorgeous Barbie house. We're talking towel rods, real wallpaper- the works.

During my pregnancy with my daughter, I made a rule that nobody could buy her a Barbie until after I had purchased her first one. Every girl remembers her first Barbie (mine was Ariel and I still have her, minus a leg) and I wanted it to be perfect. I searched high and low and finally found her in August. Bella will receive her on Christmas. But then Barbie needed a place to live, right? I priced houses- all clocked in well over $100. No thanks! So I gave myself a challenge. I had to make the house from completely recycled materials or from things I already had. I was not allowed to buy a single thing, aside from the massive amounts of glue sticks for my glue gun. My initial plan was to build it from a light wood but could not find enough of the same type and nobody was keen on donating it. I did not have the right tools for what I could find, either. County Market was kind enough to donate banana boxes, and I had been saving up small boxes from my recycling bin for the furniture. This was my hoard and basic outline.

 I learned a lot of valuable lessons from this project.

1. I can't cut a straight line.

2. I can't measure properly.

3. You need both those skills to successfully make a dollhouse.

I started this project a few weeks before Thanksgiving. I just finished... 5 days before Christmas. By far and away the biggest, most stressful project I have ever done. I had my moments where I really thought I would just give up and shell out the $100+ for the dollhouse. But the end result turned out better than I could've expected it to. 

 I realize the house is quite slim, so I opted for foam board on the lower levels, which I sneakily weighed down. If you can't tell, this house is huge. Bella's head doesn't even reach the top and it would do some damage if it fell on her. I would also like to fashion some sort of anchor system but am still in the brainstorming stage for that.

We had to have a Pet Room. My mother recently found all of our old Barbie pets and gave them to Bella. Right now, they sleep in an old shopping basket so we're excited to give them real beds!

This is Barbie's bedroom. I would like to add more to the dresser, perhaps some little cosmetics and brushes and such. I love the throw on her bed. I took the decal from an old baby shirt and attached it to tie-dyed material. It says, "Love Our Planet", which I found fitting for a recycled project like this.

Along with Barbie, Bella will be getting a little Kelly doll. The curtains in this room mean so much to me. As I mentioned, my grandmother and I sewed a lot. I learned everything I know about sewing from her and she is why I much prefer hand-sewing to a machine. My grandma had a porch full of boxes and bags crammed with old material scraps. Going through those boxes was my favorite part when creating something new. The curtains are the last remaining scrap of material I have from my grandmother. I've held on to it for at least the last decade, waiting for the perfect project to use it on.

I had a lot of fun with the living room. I purposely made it look like a 70's throwback because we had hand-me-down furniture from my aunts. The inflatable green and yellow Barbie couch? This is my homage to it.

The kitchen. 'Nough said.

I wanted the pets to have a place to run around, so they got a fenced in yard. In an earlier picture, you'll notice it is white. I made it double-sided so the animals could either run around in the grass or trudge through some snow.

I had so much fun making this, despite it being a pain in my butt. I would absolutely do it again. I did limit myself by only allowing the use of things I already had (and I'll say it's a damn good thing I'm a craft hoarder, otherwise this would not be possible.) Bella hasn't seen it completely finished or with all the furniture yet, as I'm leaving it set up for her on Christmas morning. Obviously I couldn't hide such a huge project from her so she has been under the impression that this is for my sister. My 28-year-old sister. Yeah, I totally know this is the last time I can pull off a lie like that... I'm so excited to bust out some Barbies and play in this house with my little girl. I even have the original Waffle Blocks bagged up and ready to go.

ADVENTURE TIME!

This year, we decided our Halloween theme would be Adventure Time (for those of you who are reading this and thinking, "What the hell is an Adventure Time?", it is a silly, highly addictive show on Cartoon Network about a human boy and his magical dog buddy who fight evil in the post-apocalyptic future.) I handmade nearly every single item we used and never touched my sewing machine or a pattern. It took about three weeks to complete everything.

Finn
Finn is the human boy and main character on this show. My son was the obvious choice for Finn and I'm so happy with how his costume turned out. The only things I made for this were Finn's white hat and his green backpack, both hand-sewn with fleece.

Jake
Jake is the magical dog. My daughter opted to be Jake (and then changed her mind, resulting in a failed attempt at a Lady Rainicorn costume, which she also refused to wear.) We finally, FINALLY convinced her to wear her Jake costume and, shockingly, she actually had fun in it! She wouldn't let me paint her face as we originally planned, otherwise I would have added to the headpiece. Oi, terrible twos! Jake is made from tan fleece with two separate pieces for the body and head. I had to add extensions on the legs, as Bella would not allow me to measure her. Again, terrible twos!

Ice King
The Ice King is the main "bad guy", as he likes to steal princesses and force them into marriage. Of course, Finn and Jake save the ladies each time, duh! Ice King's robe is made from blue fleece. Since I couldn't find a white wig or beard (small town living, I guess) I had to make them from yarn. 425 yards of yarn, to be exact. I made several small bunches, knotted them, and sewed them into either white fringed fleece or the foam crown I cut out. I'm not thrilled with the beard, as it came un-hemmed at the last possible second, so you can see all the knots.

 

 

 Marceline
Marceline the Vampire Queen is one of Finn and Jake's good friends. She's quite the badass and enjoys rocking out on her axe bass. There really wasn't anything to this costume, as I used clothes I already owned and swiped on some face paint and black hair spray. My fangs would not stay in so that was a bit of a fail. For the axe bass, I cut it from foam board, painted it, and threaded in some jewelry wire for the strings.

Lumpy Space Princess
LSP is the princess of Lumpy Space. Think Valley girl meets chain smoker. She is our favorite character and through a magical twist of fate, my husband can do the perfect impression of her (YouTube her if you've never heard her. Greatest. Thing. Ever.) We knew we had to have an LSP but didn't have another person. I made a plush toy of her instead. I used various types of fleece and this was probably the biggest pain in the butt out of all the pieces I made. I couldn't get her very round and she is quite uneven. However, LSP now makes the perfect pillow.

  

All in all, I'm very pleased with the final results. We had a blast on our city's Halloween night and we got a ton of compliments. We're already brainstorming next year's costumes!